Before I go on and tell you about my amazing transformations I have to post this deep dark secret of mine. Not too long ago I wrote this and now looking back I am happy that I got this far and also sadden that so may people feel like this everyday.
I was suffering from a very deep depression, I have been traveling since December 2013 to shake my depression of. Instead I fell even deeper in depression, at the time I was embarrass to admit this but knowing what I know now I am happy to be able to help anyone who went through what I had. My long list of my pass will come out later but for now I am no longer living like a victim any more thanks to “Yoga”.
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A description taken from the book “Veronica decides to die” by Paulo Coelho
“A substance, serotonin, was of the compounds responsible for how human beings felt. A lack of serotonin impared one’s capacity to concentrate at work, to sleep, to eat, and to enjoy life pleasures. When this substance was completely absent, the person experienced despair, pessimism, a sense of futility, difficulties in making decissions and would end up sinking into permanent gloom, which would lead either to complete apathy or to suicide.”
So here you go this is what I wrote around end of February 2014. I want to show you this because we all can change and we can do it without drugs.
Run your fingers through my soul, for once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, percieved as I percieve, look, experience, examin, and for once; just once, understand.
How do I live without certainty, when all I want is certainty? I have realised that so far my expectation from love is met with obstacles.
If I believe in the power of manifestation and giving everything with love and nothing is return, then why am I always still waiting to receive that kind of special attention that I crave so much of?
Am I asking too much from my family? I just want to feel that I am worthy of love, worthy of being a human.
My relationship with my brother has broken down and we are not close anymore. He blames me for both my marriage break up.
I am not invited to my nephew’s wedding because he hates me…. “HATE” its harsh and it hurts.
Is this a fantasy, a fairy tale? To be loved by your family no matter what? I have never thought that when I choose this last life choice that somehow my life is nearly taken away from me.
This morning I feel debilitated and could not wake up. I have gone through 2 long term relationships I still I feel I can’t find that balance.
Am I too demanding? Probably.
Ok ok , stop thinking of all the bad things its depressing. Write about all the things that I want…
An old friend said to me…. Change the things you can and don’t worry about the things you can’t. Easier said than done. I know when I have clarity that does make sense. But sometimes I am on this insecurity steam train and I don’t know where I’m going.
Sometimes I feel that I am the worse mother in the world. How could I just give my children away? Why couldn’t I find another solution? I find that it is really hard to exist in this world… I had to challenge myself all the time I have to keep going otherwise I would just give up! I just wanted to shut out the noise in my head and have eternal silence.
It is very annoying for your love one to hear this again and again, they just don’t know what to do to help or they think it’s just attention seeking.
Let’s face it… I know I am not the only one thinking like this. But I also know that until the person have been in this situation, they will never understand.
My perception on life sometimes has been so dim so grim that I wanted someone to know to understand.. And I wanted someone to take me away from the darkness.
I don’t want to die. I don’t. I just want to feel love without asking. I wanted to be love. I wanted to live. I wanted someone to know that I existed, that somehow I am important to some one’s life.
Why would I keep trying for something that I have mange to fail? I need something anything that I could be certain about.
I wanted to have silent so badly…. Oh so badly. I would love to have that silence. I wanted to leave not because I wanted the easy way out… I wanted to check out because I felt that I am a bourdon to the rest of the world.
Can suicide be a choice when we feel that it is the only choice??
I screamed to the rest of the world not because I needed to be notice… I screamed because it hurt because I am in pain. I’m not always there but when I feel neglected even though some might say it’s silly, my emotion is real and intense, I wish for this to just stop.
Should I go back to medication? No I rather die!! Medication helped but it also stop me from feeling anything, and looking back I didn’t care about my children. I was a Zombie.
Who am I, why am I here? Why am I still here? I have talked to death and even though I feel that I have talk too much already, somehow I could not stop. I could not just shut up.. just shut up!!!!!!!!!!
The greatest thing in life is “love” When we feel we don’t have enough love and when we feel we don’t have enough “hope” we start loosing strength to live.
I wished as a child that I was enough. I wish as a child my parent wanted me. I wished as a child I get to hang around my twin sister more. I wish as a child I didn’t shut up. I wish as a child I had more hugs.
I wish as an adult I didn’t cry so much. I wish as an adult I didn’t wish for much.
I wish as an adult I didn’t felt so lonely. I wish as an adult I didn’t want to end this life so early.
I wish as a mother to be there for her child. I wish as a mother to have the will to keep them from being lonely. I wish as a mother to be there to hold them so dearly.
I wish as a person to rejoice this life with clarity. I wish as a person to embrace this path even though so steeply.
Everyone have a choice.
Then excuse me!
If I choose the only path that was given.