A lot of people told me I was crazy to set out on such a dangerous journey to another country. I would have Bible verses blast at me, telling me that there are so many rapes and murders out there. Be careful “did you know that someone just got kidnap”? So on and so forth. I don’t feel the need to explain what some people say about me as a mother!
I can say I am definitely not part of the norm. How could I? I was born during the Cambodian war, I was born as an identical twin and my twin pass away overnight at the age of 2.5 to what was described as she had an extreme high fever at 8pm then by the same time the next morning at 8am she was stone cold. After living in a refugee camp, as a child I was always hungry.
I always felt a sense of lost like a part of me is always searching for another soul.
I never looked into what twins were like… but just the other day I was talking to Peter Kane and he mentioned that all twins love affection and they all love to cuddle. I always felt lonely when I sleep alone and I would prefer my back to be against a wall or a couch. Now looking deeply into it I thought I was the only one feeling this way but now I realised that I have been suffering from a “Twinless Twin”.
So now I know I’m not alone and I am now looking into it deeper. I must acknowledge her existence and I also must acknowledge that as a child I must have been with my twin 24/7. How it would have been for me then at the age of two to one day just overnight not have a play mate a best friend any longer. How much I would have cried for her and the sadness for her loss soul.” Lackyna is her name” and according to my mum she was the smart one, the most articulate out of us two. I can no longer prove her wrong. I do wish she was around and I wouldn’t mind playing some tricks with people like most twins would do.
When I get back to Perth I will spend some times with my mother and document what had happened and where was she berried. I did not want to go to Cambodia until I have a purpose. And now I think this is a good enough reason to go back and put her to rest in my mind and have a place to visit her.
Another reason I went away after selling my home is to find myself again and to find another place I could live, another place I could call home. What I was looking for was a physical thing a brick and motor, a place I could invest my working hrs paying it off.
What I have found in return was very surprising . Elizaberth Gilbert described it so well in her TED talk and this is why I loved her so. “Our home is someone or something that we loved more than ourselves.” http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_success_failure_and_the_drive_to_keep_creating
My home is my children and the one I love. When I love someone I love strongly I love too much sometimes. I feel at home when I am with them knowing I am doing everything I could possibly can for them.
I know now after so much fears and many loneliness in my life that I will be OK, I will be fine.
I am SAFE.. I FEEL safe. I feel LOVE. I am LOVED.
I know I am the only one that has the power to allow any defeating thoughts to come to my head. At one stage or another we all look for love by demanding it from our partner our families or friends not knowing how to be any other way. Insisting that they show us love the way we need to feel love. The truth is- when you are able to put that ego aside even letting go of the promise of family possession whether that might be being part of a community or culture that you were once in and forgive all the wrong doing that others have imposed upon you and most of all forgive yourself for allowing them in the first place.. then only then will a path be carved for us to see the way home.
I am happy to say I have now found this path I now posses a torch when it is dark. I hope after India I will find a torch that could help everyone else not just for myself but for many other’s along the way who is brave enough to find a “new truth” to find their way HOME.