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I have always struggled to understand how human kind works. I grew up during the Cambodian war where everything you do is dictated by the person that holds the power or most of the one that could buy the most guns. “If you don’t do what we say we will kill you and your entire family member”.  Even though I was too young to remember the horrible act that happened, I was painted a picture from my mum and family who witness it. Choice was never an option. Since I was born I have to fight to stay alive, and sometimes I must admit I just don’t want to fight anymore.

Food has always been scares so survival skill was taught very early. Fear is all I have ever known thanks to war and the religion my family chose.

Somehow that pattern of fleeing from bombs, murders, rapes and guns still have a hold on me. When I am upset the whole feeling of that intense fear comes back and weighing me down stopping me from enjoying anything that is worth feeling good about.

Right now I have a brother that refuse to contact me because he is ashamed of me. Now to me this word is worse than hate. What have I done except to try and find some happiness in my life? My sister in-law whom I use to see every week don’t call me either because of that fear from my brother.  My son has just moved out of home and my daughter is now a teenager (enough said about her) It seems that I am not a magnet but a propeller that pushes everyone around me away.

The only thing I have right now is my writing because I feel my close friends and family don’t understand me. I am looking forward to my trip in Europe. Even then I don’t have a clue what’s going to happened. That fear of the un-known is driving me crazy. For once I just want some form of certainty in my life. A life where I don’t have to fight so hard to feel love to feel safe to feel joy.

Maybe somehow I believed unconsciously that I don’t deserve love in my life and I push anyone that is trying to show me love away? No one wants to be around the sad and lonely person except the shrink that benefits from it. And yes I have seen to a few.

When I am happy with myself and my life my money and business seem to flow in. When my personal life crumbles so is my money. I speak in confidence when I am with clients or in business surroundings and that is not a fake. I do find such joy in speaking about what I want to achieve next, and with whom that agree with my excitement.

Then I go back home to check my face book account to see what other people is up to. I don’t have many friends anymore since my separation with my ex husband. I can’t just go out all the time because I don’t have the energy, time or money now days. That saddens me. Just go out and enjoy life and don’t worry about what other people are doing on face book no one really care about what you posted on face book anyway. Well right now I care, it’s the only thing I have with the outside world I feel. When you don’t have the time it’s easy to say hi or “like” on fb.  Maybe I have to do something about this soon, but for now this is all I got to connect with the rest of the world. 

What am I not getting or missing? What is life trying to tell me? What am I suppose to do next? Some how I feel abandoned by my family and friends at the time I need them the most. 

Selling up my house giving away everything and now the readjustment of friends and family as well at the same time. There you go I have spewed enough bullshit about myself and I hope the next blog will be a much happier one.

 

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